Who Ate All The Pies

Liverpool conspiracy theory: did Rafa tell Javier Mascherano or Lucas to get a red card in the Olympics?

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:49 GMT

Liverpool's boss up to mischief? As soon as it was clear that Argentina would beat Brazil in their Olympic football semi-final (when the Argies went 2-0 up), Brazilian midfielder Lucas seemed hell-bent on picking up a red card. Lucas fouled...

Wonder goals: Marek Jankulovski's free-kick for Czech Republic v England

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:49 GMT

David James, consider yourself bamboozled Like all England friendlies, last night's match against the Czech Republic, was depressing and pointless. At least Marek Jankulovski had the decency to light up proceedings with this moment of class. Thanks Marek....

So what happened to Micah Richards?

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:49 GMT

Why has Man City defender fallen out of favour for his country? How many more times do I have to watch Wes Brown flail around for England at right-back? Brown is a capable centre-back, but a poor full-back. He often...

The Thursday Limerick: Dimitar Berbatov

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:49 GMT

An ode to a miserable Bulgar

Five conclusions: England 2-2 Czech Republic

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:49 GMT

Czech stalemate 1. Fabio Capello needs to stop the rot quickly before he turns into Steve McClaren. Expectations are high, but he has made a few key promises about what he expects from the team which he has not yet delivered on.

Shit Lookalikes: Steve McClaren and the Joker from Batman: The Dark Knight

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Schteeve van der McClaren gets some more stick for his phoney Dutch accent and his similarity to the Joker from Batman.

Horror Hair: Phil Neville and his highlights

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Peroxide Phil

Top 10 conclusions: Premier League weekend 23-24 August

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Summaries from the weekend action 1. The changed man of the week award goes to Arsene Wenger, who after defeat to Fulham proclaimed: "I don't like excuses." More conclusions after the jump...

Who the hell is... Vincent Kompany?

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Pies' handy guide to Man City's new Belgian defender Name Vincent Kompany Age 22 Nationality Belgian Club history Anderlecht, Hamburg SV, Man City (current) Position Central defender Is he any good? I know that in Konami's Pro Evolution Soccer series...

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

1. Career path Marconi Stallions, Dynamo Dresden, Kaiserslautern, Bradford City, Middlesbrough, Fulham (current) 2. Multiple choice Who was Man Utd's club captain before Roy Keane? a) Steve Bruce, b) Bryan Robson, c) Eric Cantona, d) Paul Ince 3. Picture round...

Roy Keane: collector of footballers

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Come to Wearside, my pretties These days Roy Keane and Sunderland seem to be taking a Panini sticker approach to the transfer market ("got, got, got, need, got"). Either that or they have drafted in Barry Fry to work behind the scenes because the Black Cats seem to be assembling a HUGE squad. If you believe the papers, there is barely a footballer in the Northern Hemisphere who Collector Keane hasn't got an eye on. And if they are Irish that's even better.

Mass debate: Is Robinho worth £32m?

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Chelsea must break British transfer record to buy Robinho According to The Guardian, Real Madrid have told Robinho that he will be allowed to leave the Bernabeu, but only if Chelsea offer £32m for the Brazil international. The London club...

Javier Mascherano loves Rafael Benitez (4eva)

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Love letters from Beijing How do you keep your club manager happy when you have missed the start of the Premier League season to play for your country's under-23 squad on the other side of the world? Easy, you send messages of your undying love for him through the media. Javier Mascherano has been letting Rafa Benitez know that, even though he is in China, his heart is in Liverpool.

FAIL! Cesc Fabregas has credit cards rejected... twice

Ollie Irish — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:48 GMT

Arsenal star embarrassed in restaurant Cesc Fabregas was dining out with two female friends at Soho club Studio Valbonne when his bill of almost £300 arrived. A witness said: "He tried one card, it failed. Then another. It failed again....

Football fashion crimes: Paul Scharner's red glasses

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:47 GMT

Aside from the fact that his head and/or hair is a very odd shape, the most striking thing about Wigan Athletic's Paul Scharner prior to watching his side lose against Chelsea was his Elton John hand-me-down specs.

Top Six: Arsene Wenger excuses

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:47 GMT

With the startling news in the wake of defeat Fulham that Arsene Wenger doesn't like excuses, we look at six of his best rational explanations 1."I did not see it."

David Beckham at the Beijing Olympics closing ceremony

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:47 GMT

David Beckham took time out from being criticised by journalists on both sides of the Atlantic to overhit a pass to a Chinese Olympic organiser. Becks took part in the handover section of the closing ceremony as part of the London 2012 team. He appeared with Leona Lewis and Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page.

Brazilian goalkeeper scores from his own penalty area

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:46 GMT

Just look at Avia keeper Eduardo Martini frantically weighing up his options. He eventually settles on belting it as hard as he can, and I bet he is glad he did now. One of those bizarre kicks of the turf and a loop over the Parana keeper later, and Eduardo is a goalscoring hero.

Mass debate: Is 70-year-old Sir Alex Ferguson the best man to lead a Great Britain Olympic team?

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:46 GMT

Ferg for London 2012?

Top Six: Premier League sulkers

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:46 GMT

The Prem's biggest bottom-lip bearers 1. Nicolas Anelka The man who is nicknamed Le Sulk is our inevitable number one. The original master of the enforced transfer saga that we have heard so much about this summer with Robbie Keane, Gareth Barry, Dimitar Berbatov etc. This guy has made a career out of it, playing for nine clubs and rarely moving on without a fall-out of some description.

FAIL! BBC reporter faces sack for Madrid air disaster joke

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:46 GMT

Commentator discovers hard way that mass loss of life is not particularly funny

Top Six: Premier League Russians

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:45 GMT

The players (and owners) who came in from the cold

Steve McClaren's fake Dutch accent is back... woohoo!

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:45 GMT

"We need to go in relaxsched, we need to go in with also belief." What? Steve McClaren's fake Dutch accent is on the go again. This guy is such a plonker. The accent is bad enough (there are loads of annoying people who accidentally imitate the accents of those they talk to), but to start rearranging your syntax.... Macca - you've got issues!

Who the hell is... Lars Christian Jacobsen?

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:45 GMT

Danish defenders for dummies, by Pies Name Lars Christian Jacobsen

Wrexham striker Jefferson Louis drops the F-bomb on Setanta Sports

Rob Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:32:45 GMT

Wrexham striker Jefferson Louis scores a lovely goal in his side's victory over Altrincham. He is substituted before the end and obliges the pitchside reporter with a frank analysis of why he came off. A little too frank for Setanta Sports' liking! This is the television gods punishing those who think it is acceptable to break away from the match to interview someone during the game.